Globo gym [definition]. Large retail shopping space turned into a warehouse of treadmills and other useless machines in the attempt to extract money from clueless potential athletes who think they are doing something to improve their bodies and minds.
See also – “wasted effort”, “narcissism”, “meat market”.
I admit it. I am embarrassed but gotta come clean. Please don’t tell my Dad or brothers.
I…I worked out…. I was a member of a Globo Gym. Only for a brief time. I swear. I got kicked out after a few weeks and was told to never ever return.
I know, I know. I can hear the jeers and boo’s. I am not proud. So I am writing this article in hopes that I can spare some of you the pig poke I was once stuck in.
It was not like I did not know better – but I have a sordid past. I was raised in hardcore bodybuilding gyms of the 1980’s. No treadmills but plenty of mirrors. At least we worked out hard and it was ok to dump (drop) heavy dumbbells while doing incline chest flyes.
If you find yourself stuck in the meat market warehouse of the local Globo gym – here are some sure fire ways to get you kicked out quickly and at least go out in style.
Please be advised that you may need to consult and attorney before trying these tips and also add money to your bail bondsmen’s account.
Video – Globo Gym
Try to do pull ups. Ever really took a good look around a Globo gym? There aren’t any pull up bars. So you end up having to do pull ups on the Smith Machine. I did pull ups on the top beam of the cable crossover machine.
I was instantly reprimanded by top notch personal trainer Johnnie Blimpboy. He stated that they have a machine for pull ups and I needed to get down instantly. He pointed me to a cluster of machines in the back corner and one of them allowed you to do some form of pull ups. Ok?
Talk about CrossFit. Ok; this may not get your kicked out of the Globo gym but it will definitely alienate you. These fanatics are set in their ways. Many of them have been on this charade for years. These fan boys are intensely jealous of the CrossFit crew throwing weights from head high and listening to head banging’ hard core rap at decibel 10. All done with a shirt off and sweating profusely. Globo gym rats secretly wish they could do this — but the cardio gets in their way. Some eventually see the light and get out of the gym and into the outdoors. Ahhh.
Bring in your own block of gym chalk.
Whatever you do – don’t put it on your hands or on the barbell?!!
Use it on dead lifts, cleans and pull ups.
Sure you can clean it up all you want.
But either way – chalk is a not allowed.
Workout hard and sweat profusely. It may be hard to sweat as they have the AC set at 64 degrees. Nothing makes the cleaning crew madder than having to clean up sweat.
Imagine that… an athlete sweating – like a pig in the rain – in the Globo gym.
Question: “Coach Brad; what is a good clean protein that i can take to help build lean muscle after hard workouts in the gym?”
Answer: Good question, I am personally using Ascent Protein and trust it so much that my daughter is also using it after her workouts.
This is a good clean protein that you can use to help build lean muscle with out all the extra stuff that is not wanted.
Write your workout or rep count on the floor with chalk. Don’t even think about writing on the wall. Serious.
Try to do handstand pushups. Most all of the walls will be covered in mirrors so this will be tricky.
You will have to either go to a hallway or use a machine to prop your feet on. Highly frowned upon by corporate management. Also in this category or forward rolls and handstand walk.
Video – Pec Deck workout
Run in the gym. Or just try to do suicide shuttle runs in a back area of the gym. This is highly agitating to the people on the treadmills and makes them insecure.
Sprawl on the floor after a hard workout. Most uninitiated to this phenomena will call management immediately as they think you have had a heart attack. You will be warned by the Corporate head trainer for this infraction.
Try to do farmers walk with heavy dumbbells around the gym. Even worse, try to take the dumbbells outside. The police will be called as you will be accused as a thief.
Take off your shirt. Yes; you can do this in your home garage gym or at the local CrossFit gym. Yes; this will get you kicked out.
Grunting or screaming during lifts. This is by far the number one thing that is a major no-no. Immediate one way trip out of the gym and your membership canceled. Just try it… dare ya.
Question: What is a globo-gym? Check out the definition above.
Garage Gym Equipment List